umm. i just wanna be me.

I had my first experience with subbing today. Let me tell you...it was an experience, and thats putting it in nice terms.

It definitly woke me up as to what I have been studying this week. I'll start by sharing a small piece of my experience. Lets just say before the day even began, I was taken aback. So this dentist I was helping out shared with me the day before that I needed to wear black pants and a white button down top to work. I shared with her that I wasnt sure if I had those, but would do my best and that I had my lab coat to wear too. So I came to work with black pants, a white top (no buttons) and my lab coat. I walk in, and the first thing she says is, "take your coat off, its wrinkly you cant wear that. The she says, hike up your pants and tuck your shirt in. Then she goes, i dont like that shirt, and gets a shirt thats hers to wear." ummmmmmmmmm.

So that was the morning-before the day even started!! talk about me being intimidated and nervous!!! After we dismissed the patient for the day, she says thank you, and I go get my keys and coat. Then she approaches me and says,"being a woman in the workplace is tough. And you being a young woman, well that is tough too. People dont look at you with much authority." She then procceeded to tell me that in the workforce women need to present themselves and wear makeup and have their hair nice and clothes look nice. UMMM. excuse me???? there was a little babble about my attire blah blah blah and i stopped listening because i was so taken aback. In my mind, i did what she asked (wore black) and freaking helped her out!!

Never in my life have I felt so small. words cant really explain my feelings. She might as well told me I looked like crap. I was so stoked that I helped someone out, and i was crushed. I was even a little off to begin with in the morning because of the start i had. Maybe im looking into this too deeply, but i cant help how I feel. Im sorry, but in my opinion, that was NOT okay to do.

and with that, it made me really look at myself and think...am I ok? Do I look professional? Do people take me seriously? Should I wear makeup and present myself?? Because in my head, I think it is more important to BE qualified than LOOK qualified. This person judged me from square one and didnt even give me a CHANCE to be me. UGG. And i felt the urge to share, well i dont wear dress pants to work, i thought you wear scrubs, ect ect etc. but i kept my mouth shut.

In our culture, there is SO much expectations, and people who look down on you, judge you. And its so easy to get sucked into being something your not. To presenting yourself as something, but really feel something different.

I just saw a commercial for Old Navy, and its said,"dont give up your dream of being fake.." seriously??

I was so hurt by today..but im trying to not let it get to me. God created me for a purpose. He LOVES me as who I am. He loves that I wear headbands in my hair, dont wear makeup and wear cute scrubs to work. You know, I shouldnt be ashamed of who I am. And I shouldnt let the rejection of others weigh me down in guilt and self doubt.

I feel a lot better letting this out. Ive had my share of "pretending" to be something Im not...and it doesnt work out right or good. Its better to just be yourself. And I thought I'd end this post with one of my favorites...

"Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is youer than you." -Dr. Suess.